“So
do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.” Hebrews 10:35
Joel Osteen once said, “You may have
to go through a thousand no’s to get to that one yes. The key is, keep
dreaming. Keep hoping. Keep taking steps of faith.”
It can be so hard to have to wait
for a yes to come. When I wanted a new job, I kept sending out resumes,
answering want ads, going for interviews. I began to doubt my worth and
ability. Can’t they see how doggone good I am?
When I started my SparkPeople journey, it
seemed I was starving myself, and the scale would barely move. People were
posting these success stories and there I was – one stinkin’ pound lost. What
difference would it make if I stopped at McDonald’s on my way to work? I
doubted that it would matter.
When I started my fitness regimen, I
could barely walk fifteen minutes at 2 mph without huffing and puffing and
sweating, while the thin young thing in the hot pink Nike exercise outfit was
effortlessly running on the treadmill next to me. It seemed pointless, and I
began to doubt if I could ever be thin again after 30 years of eating and
stressing myself into obesity.
Wait for it... Wait for it… Could I
wait for it? Did I have enough faith and confidence in myself to reach a goal
of 65 pounds weight loss AND a satisfying new job? Every time I began to have
doubts, I “received” a message of hope and confidence. The scale would show two
pounds loss. I would visit my rheumatologist and he would congratulate me on
the terrific blood work. A co-worker would send me an email saying, “You look
fabulous!” Finally, I had to admit that
the Spark had worked – I had to buy another two pairs of jeans that were six
sizes smaller than when I began 15 months ago, and I added my old big jeans to
the growing Goodwill pile.
Then I got a phone call from one of
my customers asking if I would consider the writer-editor job he had available.
Are you kidding me – of course! Hello confidence, hello future.
“The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi
Every day, I was dreading going to
work. I spent work breaks in the restroom, crying and asking myself how things
got to this point. I was trying as hard as I could, and all of my customers and
co-workers noticed the quality of my work. But I just could not please my
supervisor. Every time I was called into the office, I was fearful and felt
like I needed some special kind of armor. I felt so demoralized, so inadequate,
so weak. My nightly meditations brought
me into balance, but once I stepped into the office and my supervisor walked
through on morning check-in, my self-confidence scale tilted way over and I
could feel my well-being slip away. I had already conquered a serious illness
and now I was well on my way to a healthy weight-loss – how could I heal from
this constant, daily hurt? Was I injuring myself by returning to the toxic
environment every day?
I have learned that good things and
bad things never just happen – they are the result of a series of actions and
circumstances that have been spun by the Universe over time. If I am in a
negative situation, what positive situation preceded the negative, and what
negative situation led to the positive one? In one of my nightly meditations
and prayers last year, I asked God to clarify the sequence for me, so I could
see what could come next and act accordingly. As I did every morning, I prayed
for wisdom and discernment. Suddenly (or so it seemed), a new podcast came into
my iPod, featuring the book “Start – Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and
Do Work That Matters” by Jon Acuff. I read the book, and it helped me
kick-start my movement out of that toxic situation toward a new job, doing what
I love to do. I created a Spark goal for this purpose, tracked it, and the
negative led to positive. The new job came into being and I left my old
workplace.
Still, I was healing, and to truly
move forward, I had to forgive myself, pardon myself so I could start fresh. My
new job required me to travel for long periods, so that I could listen and
contemplate self-awareness and self-forgiveness. I focused on life coach Martha
Beck and the “I Am Meditations” of Dr. Wayne Dyer. “I Am Healthy.” “I Am
Grateful.” “I Am Abundant.” “I Am Forgiven.” “I Am Strong.”
Almost ten years ago, I was hospitalized
with a life-threatening disease. In the ensuing years, I began visualizing
myself healthy, and I committed to praying and meditating each night before I
go to sleep. I still do. Sleep research says that the last thoughts at night
form one’s REM sleep and dreams, so I try to make my last thoughts positive and loving. I
awake grateful that I can live each day with a family that loves me
unconditionally (even my critter family); a roof over my head and food on my
table; technology that makes life so much easier; I could go on and on. This is
how I love myself and the world around me.
When someone or something makes me
angry or rude, that goes against my loving intentions of gratitude and
positivity. I read that if you become angry, and the anger last longer than 90
seconds, it is too deep to ignore. If someone cuts me off in traffic, or the
computer freezes up, or I lose something important, or I have a disagreement
with a loved one, how long does the anger last? More than 90 seconds? If I am
still stewing about the hurt later in the hour or the day, I know that I have
to fix it before I go to sleep that night. I find the solution to the computer
problem, turn the search for the lost item over to St. Anthony (who always
helps me find it eventually), or have a healing conversation with the loved
one.
That night, my prayer and meditation
becomes positive, and I sow the seeds of love into my sleep.
Today I begin a series of daily reflections on the Prayer of St. Francis.
My job takes me to Amarillo, Texas at least once a month. In May-June, I went weekly. It’s a five-hour drive from my home in Santa Fe, so I decided I would listen to an audio book or two each trip. On one trip, I listened to “I Can See Clearly Now”, by Dr. Wayne Dyer. He reflects on his life, now that he is in his seventies and was recently diagnosed with leukemia. One of the most impactful and emotional lessons I gained from listening to the book was the impact of St. Francis of Assisi on his life, and some phenomenal experiences he had while visiting St. Francis’ home in Assisi. I decided I would closely examine the Prayer of St. Francis and incorporate it into my life. I found it online, printed out several copies so I would have one on the wall in my work office, one in my home office, and one in my planner book. So here it is, line by line.
“Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.”
Almost fifty years ago, I sang in my school choir. We sang “Let There Be Peace on Earth, and Let it Begin with Me.” It was a beautiful song, and I loved the alto part that I sang. But the words didn’t resonate with my 14-year old mind as much as the music. At the time, the Viet Nam War was gearing up, looming on our generation like a chemical cloud working its way to unsuspecting villagers. We knew it was there, we knew it was toxic, we knew it would be life-changing. But it was out there on the horizon. Around the country and the world, people were protesting and hippies seemed to use the war as a convenient excuse to take LSD and smoke pot. The local anti-war sentiment seemed shallow and trite. I was more concerned with cheerleading, singing, and making grades that were high enough to get me into college on a scholarship.
I graduated in 1970, and 44 years later I still haven’t personally experienced the war. But I see clearly now how one individual can be an instrument of peace. With letters to decision-makers, care packages to soldiers, voting (and not voting) with my dollars in the marketplace, I can make a difference. I can be an instrument of Peace.
Today is October 18, 2014, and today I re-create the blog that I have let flounder for 5 years. I have been blogging in SparkPeople, but today I begin posting my blogs in a more public setting. I also begin my professional identity as a budding life coach. I will begin with re-posting a series of blogs I created as I reflected on the Prayer of St. Francis, line by line. As I begin this journey, as I do for every journey, I pray for wisdom and discernment.
“Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can't buy more hours. Scientists can't invent new minutes. And you can't save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you've wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow.” ~Denis Waitely
In January, many folks have rituals they perform – make a resolution or two for the year; evaluate the past year in a journal and plan the next; burn something to symbolize closure of a difficult year. I’m not much for ritual, nor do I spend a lot of time evaluating the past, other than mining the gold nuggets from my experiences. I did continue my daily habit of gratitude and, in reviewing the year, I extended that to gratitude for the blessings I received in 2008.
When I came upon this quote, it summarized an exercise I had done when I was doing my gold mining a couple of weeks ago. So what happens to my time? Let’s see – there are 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in 7 days. Work and the commute comprise 50 hours. Sleep takes up 49 hours. Morning preparation (critter care, mostly) and dinnertime takes 21 hours. I devote about 16 hours to quality time with Maggie and my family, and another 8 hours on maintaining the house. So that’s 50 + 49 + 21 + 16 + 8 = 144 hours. That leaves 24 hours a week, 1,248 hours in a year. That’s more than a half-time job! I had some project time, like the Halloween party and my Christmas baking, but that certainly didn’t take 1,200 hours. So knowing that I have 1,248 hours at my disposal, it is time to work on my “entire tomorrow”.
In my last blog edition, I talked about reading, and someone responded that she has no time to read. For many, that’s very true – our lives fill up with chores and conversations and other snippets of time consumption. Life for many is a sleep-eat-work cycle, with month after month passing in a flash. For me, it’s critical that I continue to grow and learn, but it is a function of the “how” I read within the context of time. I don’t sit down with a book very often, and I don’t spend much time with the newspaper in the morning. I do, however, listen to books while I am cleaning my house, working on my prayer shawls (more about that in another blog), tending to my garden, or shoveling snow. I listen to at least ten minutes of a book every evening before I meditate myself to sleep.
My iPod is a wonderful gadget! And with free podcasts to supplement the audio books, it’s not even expensive. No bells and whistles and keypads and touch screens – just good, old-fashioned listening. Sure I listen to music, but I mostly listen to audio books – over 25 books last year. It’s like the days of the transistor radios – pretty cutting edge back then! When I mentioned how much I use my iPod, a co-worker commented about how she just isn’t techie enough, and how the mp3 players are for young kids and folks who are running on the treadmill at the gym. I lent her my iPod for a couple of lunch hours, and she is now hooked.
Lessons learned? I will continue growing and learning and feeding my brain cells with the nutrients of words and knowledge. Multi-tasking is perfectly suited to this goal. And I still have 1,200 hours in my time bank – what a wonderful gift, this gift of time!
The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you are in control of your own destiny. – Dr. Albert Ellis
(Written in October 2008, but posted in January 2009.) I have not updated this blog for several months. Perhaps this is because I have gone through another metamorphosis, like a butterfly going through its development, shedding its chrysalis when another season of warmth permeates the outer senses and it emerges, beautiful and free.
This is “Pat’s Passions”, and I write about what makes me passionate, what makes me happy, what makes me grateful, what brings me bliss. In the Spring of 2008 I was not very passionate, I must confess. I had vowed to remain in my job at Women’s Health Services until retirement, but I knew, I just knew, that the Universe was sending me a message.
I read a lot – or rather, I listen to a lot of books. My Ipod is one of the most critical tools in my life toolbox. During the past year, I read at least 25 books (some of which had several sections). I’ll write about that sometime. Four books and two beautiful persons had a profound impact during this time of introspection and metamorphosis: The Speed of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything by Stephen M.R. Covey, The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes, Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff, and The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Attwood. The beautiful people were my Life Coach, Carolyn Tjoland, and, of course, Maggie.
The Speed of Trust is what started my journey. Covey is the son of Stephen Covey of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People fame. In sharing what I learned from the book with my peers at work, I opened a Pandora’s Box of feelings and interactions that had good and bad consequences, depending on how “ready” the individual was to trust and be trusted. Radical changes began to take place, a gradual evolution over two years that culminated in a crisis of trust among my peers and my superiors. I read and re-read the book, focusing on my trustworthiness, and saw more of my path.
Much has been said about The Secret, good and bad. That’s a matter of personal judgment. In my personal judgment, I “got” the message of the three-step process of the Law of Attraction: Ask, Believe, and Receive. I “got” that thoughts become things: negative thoughts perpetuate negative consequences, positive thoughts perpetuate positive consequences. I “got” that I was focusing on how unhappy and toxic my worklife had becoming, and that was perpetuating the unhappiness and toxicity. I turned off that negative switch, and turned on the positive one. I put it out there, OK, Universe, these are my passions, light a path, close a door and open a window. New work opportunities appeared. Several opportunities came and I knew, I just knew, that the right one was on the horizon, and with a calm self-assuredness, I turned away from some opportunities. My current job at the Bureau of Land Management then appeared in my path and I was selected. There are no coincidences, just moments of grace.
In reading Happy for No Reason, I “got” the message that we can be happy for good reasons (such as hearing a joke, or having a happy life event), and happy for bad reasons (such as from substances such as drugs or alcohol, or laughing at other peoples’ misfortunes), but we must transcend to the level of just being happy – happy for no reason. It’s all a matter of perspective, gratitude, recognizing the good in every person and circumstance, and taking personal responsibility for my own happiness. It was then that the quote in the beginning of this blog came my way. I heeded the advice and took control. Moments of grace continued.
The Passion Test asks you to complete the sentence, “When my life is ideal, I am (fill in the blank).” For example, “When my life is ideal, I am inspiring others with my love of writing” or “I am feeling healthy, fit and energetic”. Starting with a list of these sentences, you look at the sentences and ask yourself, what am I more passionate about? You keep whittling it down until you have a list of the four or five sentences that reflect your strongest passions. I took the test, and found my passions. That will be the subject of another blog. I realized that my new life – my new job, my new circumstances, could become infused with my passions…oh, wow.
Carolyn Tjoland is an amazing woman – a highly competent behavioral health therapist who is also a Life Coach. I worked with her at Women’s Health Services and believed she could help me organize my journey. Normally, life coaching is done over the phone, but Carolyn graciously invited me into her home; it was warm and comfortable, but with the necessary structure to accomplish our purpose. I only had to work with her for a few sessions before I had the clarity and vision of what I could be and where my pathway was located. I created a Vision Board with pictures and words of my passions, made it into a screen saver, and put it on all of my computers to remind me and keep me focused.
To follow my new path, I had to make a transition. In Transitions, I learned the difference between change and transition. You change a light bulb, but you don’t change your life. You transition into the new phase of your life (job, relationship, home, healthy body, etc.) by recognizing there are three steps: an ending, a neutral phase, and a beginning. I had read this book the previous year, but I took it out and re-read it when I left my old job and prepared for my new one. I took two weeks off in August 2008 between jobs and used that period as the neutral time to prepare for the new beginning. I acknowledged the ending, redefined negative circumstances to positive, and embraced the potential of the new beginning. I felt liberated and blissful.
Through this entire ordeal, Maggie was also undergoing metamorphosis – her boss, Senator Domenici, became ill and announced that he would retire at the end of his term at the end of 2008. She had been with him 19 years. What was she going to do? As I pursued my pathway, so did Maggie. When the time was right, an offer of employment came from Senator Bingaman, and she transitioned from one Senate office to the other, allowing her to complete the requisite 20 years for her own retirement Again, there are no coincidences, just moments of grace. She hung in there with me, and I with her, and we are proceeding down our parallel pathways. We are not on the same path; we never will be because we are unique individuals. But the pathways are close enough to allow for reaching out in mutual support and encouragement. We are each in control of our own destiny.
